Elephant List Humor

We Tested the New Rolls-Royce Witch

Rolls-Royce flew us to California earlier this month for the private unveiling of its newest ultra-luxury electric vehicle: the Witch.

The invitation arrived inside a matte black presentation box lined with dark velvet and sealed using silver wax embossed with lunar symbols. Inside was a handwritten card advising guests to “avoid emotionally dense environments” for 48 hours before arrival.

Nobody at Rolls-Royce clarified what that meant.

After landing in Los Angeles aboard American Airlines Flagship First Flight 823 from Miami, journalists and influencers were transported by chauffeured Rolls-Royce Ghosts to a private wellness resort hidden somewhere in the hills above Malibu.

Phones were discouraged during dinner.

Negative conversations were apparently prohibited after sunset.

At one point, a woman wearing an ivory linen suit asked whether we had “prepared spiritually for the vehicle.”

We assumed she worked at the resort.

She turned out to be Vice President of Brand Alignment.

That was our first indication the Witch might be something unusual.

Rolls-Royce Enters the Wellness Economy

The official presentation began shortly after sunset beside an infinity pool overlooking the Pacific Ocean.

Ambient whale sounds echoed through hidden speakers while guests drank mineral water infused with something called “Himalayan lunar salt.” A massive illuminated screen slowly appeared behind the stage displaying the phrase:

THE FUTURE OF SPIRITUALLY ALIGNED MOBILITY.

Nobody laughed.

The Witch is Rolls-Royce’s first fully electric luxury vehicle designed specifically around modern wellness culture, astrology aesthetics, emotional optimization, and what executives repeatedly described as “high-frequency living.”

According to Rolls-Royce, traditional luxury customers no longer want simple transportation.

They want “energetic harmony.”

The company appears completely serious about this.

Then the Broom Compartment Opened

At first glance, the Witch looks surprisingly restrained.

The proportions remain unmistakably Rolls-Royce. Long hood. Massive illuminated grille. Silent presence. But subtle details begin revealing themselves the longer you stare at it.

The paint slightly changes tone depending on moon phases.

The grille illumination adapts to local sunset conditions.

The Spirit of Ecstasy hood ornament has been redesigned into what Rolls-Royce calls a “Celestial Feminine Presence.”

Then the broom compartment opened.

Instead of the traditional Rolls-Royce umbrella hidden inside the rear coach door, the Witch includes a handcrafted Italian broom stored inside a climate-controlled chamber lined with black suede.

The broom itself is made from sustainable black bamboo.

Rolls-Royce claims it helps “clear negative energy before arrival.”

One executive demonstrated the feature with complete sincerity while several influencers filmed vertical videos beside him in total silence.

Nobody asked follow-up questions.

Meet Beatrice

Inside, the Witch becomes progressively more unhinged.

The interior lighting system tracks lunar cycles and adjusts cabin colors accordingly. During our nighttime drive through Beverly Hills, the cabin slowly transitioned from soft silver tones into deep purple after sunset.

Rolls-Royce calls this “moon-phase ambient synchronization.”

The onboard AI assistant, Beatrice, handles most vehicle functions.

Unlike normal automotive assistants, Beatrice behaves less like software and more like a very expensive spiritual therapist trapped inside the dashboard.

When we asked for nearby restaurants, she responded:

Your current emotional state may not benefit from seafood towers.

When we requested battery range estimates, she paused briefly before replying:

The Witch does not measure distance in miles. Only alignment.

Rolls-Royce says Beatrice was trained using luxury wellness podcasts, astrology forums, executive coaching seminars, and “emotionally optimized conversational data.”

Which somehow explains everything.

Coven Mode and the Ritual Placement Chamber

The Witch includes something called Coven Mode.

Designed for group travel, the system synchronizes cabin lighting, fragrance intensity, seat massage settings, meditation audio, and climate controls across all passengers to create what Rolls-Royce describes as “collective emotional equilibrium.”

According to company representatives, the feature tested extremely well among wellness founders in California and luxury retreat operators in Aspen.

The Witch also includes astrology-linked driving profiles:

Each supposedly alters steering feel, suspension tuning, cabin fragrance intensity, and throttle response based on “planetary emotional conditions.”

Near the center dashboard, Rolls-Royce also introduced what it calls the Ritual Placement Chamber, a temperature-controlled holder designed specifically for luxury wellness candles.

According to company engineers, traditional cup holders “failed to reflect the emotional priorities of modern clients.”

The compartment includes automatic stabilization technology to prevent candles from shifting during acceleration along with a silent ventilation system designed to “preserve fragrance integrity during spiritually dynamic driving conditions.”

The company currently offers six factory-approved fragrances:

Candles start at $480 each.

Naturally, they are already sold out.

The Influencers Are Already Making It Worse

Rolls-Royce intentionally limited first-year production after what executives described as “unexpected demand among spiritually aligned luxury demographics.”

Waiting lists have reportedly become increasingly aggressive throughout Beverly Hills, Miami, and parts of Manhattan where people use the phrase “energy consultant” professionally.

One wellness founder allegedly offered an additional $210,000 simply to move ahead four spots on the delivery list.

Another reportedly attempted to leverage her podcast audience to pressure a dealership into priority allocation.

Meanwhile, influencers have already made the Witch nearly unbearable online.

TikTok is now filled with videos of people standing beside the vehicle using phrases like:

One Beverly Hills founder described the Witch as:

The first car that understands feminine energy better than my therapist, my husband, and most men on LiveJasmin.

The video currently has over 9 million views.

Nobody seems entirely sure whether people are mocking the Witch or genuinely obsessed with it.

At this point, it may not matter.

The Most Disturbing Part Is That It Might Actually Work

Underneath the astrology-linked driving modes, crystal-infused cup holders, emotionally aware AI assistant, handcrafted Italian broom, and candle stabilization technology, the Witch is still unmistakably a Rolls-Royce.

And unfortunately, it’s excellent.

The ride quality is almost unnervingly smooth. The electric drivetrain is nearly silent. Rolls-Royce refuses to publish traditional performance figures, instead describing the driving experience as “spiritually silent.”

Honestly, the description feels accurate.

And that may be the strangest part of the entire vehicle.

The Witch sounds absurd because modern luxury culture already sounds absurd.

Ten years ago, nobody would have believed wealthy adults would spend thousands of dollars attending digital detox retreats run by podcast hosts while drinking chlorophyll water beside emotional support alpacas.

Now those retreats have waiting lists.

Which means Rolls-Royce may have simply identified the next stage of luxury before everyone else did.

The future probably isn’t horsepower.

It’s emotionally optimized electric vehicles with handcrafted Italian brooms and factory-approved candles called Divorce Energy.

And unfortunately, the waiting list is already full.