My Dog Got Neuralink
The first signs appeared at the dog park.
Three days after receiving Neuralink, Baxter began refusing all butt-sniffing requests.
Normally, this would be considered unusual.
In canine society, butt-sniffing serves many of the same functions as handshakes, LinkedIn, networking events, and background checks combined.
Baxter wanted no part of it.
When approached by another dog, he simply stepped aside.
Witnesses described his expression as "politely disappointed."
At the time, I assumed the brain chip was still calibrating.
Looking back, that was probably the last week Baxter behaved like a normal dog.
Week 1: Unexpected Side Effects
The first week brought several changes.
Baxter learned how to open doors.
At first this seemed impressive.
Then he began opening only the doors that provided measurable value.
He stopped entering rooms without a clear objective.
He spent long periods staring silently at financial news channels.
Nobody knew why.
Week 2: Grammar Enforcement
During the second week Baxter developed a strong interest in language.
He began correcting my grammar.
Commands containing improper punctuation were ignored.
One afternoon I told him:
"Your a good boy."
Baxter stared at me for nearly twenty seconds before walking away.
According to his body language, the relationship had been damaged.
Week 3: Financial Independence
By the third week Baxter had opened a brokerage account.
His portfolio focused primarily on artificial intelligence, robotics, and pet technology startups.
He referred to squirrels as "high-volatility assets."
More concerning was the performance.
Within ten days his investment returns exceeded my retirement account.
Baxter became increasingly difficult to talk to.
Every conversation eventually turned into a discussion about market inefficiencies.
Week 4: The End of Fetch
The final straw came when I threw a tennis ball.
Baxter watched it bounce across the yard.
Then he sat down.
After several moments of analysis, he appeared to reach a conclusion.
According to the report later generated by Neuralink, Baxter considered the activity to have "an unacceptable risk-reward profile."
He never chased another tennis ball again.
Week 5 and Beyond
The weeks that followed became increasingly difficult to explain.
Baxter began taking robotaxis to meetings in Texas.
Sources close to the situation claimed he had been consulting with Elon Musk.
Neither party confirmed the reports.
Shortly afterward, SpaceX announced that a dog had been selected for a future Mars mission.
The company declined to identify the animal.
Baxter declined comment as well.
The Dog Park Meeting
The last time I took Baxter to the dog park, something strange happened.
A golden retriever approached.
No barking.
No growling.
No sniffing.
Just silence.
The golden retriever sat down across from Baxter.
For several moments neither dog moved.
Then Baxter tilted his head slightly.
The retriever responded with a barely noticeable nod.
It looked less like two dogs meeting and more like two executives recognizing each other at an industry conference.
Baxter's eyes widened.
For the first time all afternoon, he appeared genuinely surprised.
Somehow he knew.
The golden retriever had Neuralink too.
Neither dog made a sound.
Then both dogs walked away.
Later that evening, I noticed Baxter had received a calendar invitation.
According to the meeting notes, the two had spent the afternoon discussing blockchain technology and the launch of a cryptocurrency brokerage platform for dogs.
The startup was reportedly seeking $12 million in seed funding.
The Final Transmission
One week later, Baxter boarded Starship.
Millions watched as the spacecraft lifted off toward Mars.
The launch was flawless.
The last image I ever saw of Baxter came from a camera inside the spacecraft.
While engineers monitored telemetry and mission control celebrated a historic milestone, Baxter appeared completely unaware of the significance of the moment.
He was chasing his own tail.