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You're A Teacher If
Valium salt licks, full moons, report card gene pools, public finger snapping, intravenous caffeine, parent meetings, and chocolate food groups reveal classroom survival instincts.
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Classroom Dialogue
Maria discovering America, floor multiplication, crocodile spelling, H to O chemistry, same-day parents, cherry tree axes, copied dog essays, and teacher definitions fill classroom exchanges.
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6th Grade History Tests
Donkey Hote, Contented Congress, Thomas Jefferson the virgin, Emasculation Proclamation, loud Beethoven music, dead composers, and confused presidents rewrite history through student answers.
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First Graders
Termites, daylight saving time, dirty hands, old dogs learning math, Musketeers, Stevie Wonder, new batteries, pigs, pollution, and pooping birds complete famous sayings.
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Memo to All Students
Special High Intensity Teaching, educational attitude training, basic lecture lists, management research, and official academic acronyms bury students under as much institutional nonsense as possible.
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Learning From Kids
Waterbeds, flaming dust bunnies, ceiling fans, Batman underwear, paint cans, toilet flushes, brake fluid, Legos, Jell-O pools, and dizzy cats reveal domestic chaos.
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Learn From Children
Childproofing fails against exploding waterbeds, ceiling-fan baseball, smoky chemistry experiments, microwaved Play-Dough, gas-tank marbles, oven toys, dizzy cats, and suspicious silence.
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Top 50 Fun Things For Professors
Hand puppets, pacemaker screams, Turkish lectures, torture videos, stopwatch grading, flower-petal assistants, vodka bottles, rubber underwear, and chicken impersonations sabotage the first class.
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Academic Ranks Explained
Deans give policy to God, professors need favorable winds, assistants hit walls, graduate students talk to them, and department secretaries quietly control the universe.
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Library Fun
Peekaboo reading, upside-down books, cat food snacks, page-number announcements, noisy laptops, fake seizures, ketchup wounds, and book genie rituals destroy library silence.
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God and University
Hebrew publications, missing references, failed replication, ethics board violations, drowned subjects, expelled students, absent office hours, and mountaintop meetings explain why tenure was denied.
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University Application Essay
Wall scaling, train-station remodeling, bluegrass cello, Amazon battles, covert CIA operations, full-contact origami, prizewinning clams, and forgotten life meanings build the ultimate application.
