Useful Workplace Tips

Here are some incredibly useful phrases you can use when in the workplace...

If you don't know what it is, call it an 'issue'

If you don't know how it works, call it a 'process'

If you don't know whether its worth doing, call it an 'option'

If you don't know how it could possibly be done call it a 'challenge' or an 'exciting opportunity'

If you want to confuse people, ask them about 'customers'

If you don't know how to do something, 'empower' someone else to do it for you

If you can't take decisions, 'create space' for others to operate

If you need a decision, call a 'workshop' to 'network' and 'ground

the issue', followed by an 'awayday' to 'position the elephant in the room' and achieve 'buy-in'

Never criticize or boast, call it 'information sharing'

Never call something a failure or mistake, its a 'positive learning experience'

Never argue, have an 'adult conversation'

Here are some helpful ways to get along at the workplace...

If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted

It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and wear a lab coat

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office

Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back

Everything can be filed under "pending."

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried

Following the rules will not get the job done

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

No matter how much you do, you never do enough

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong