The Male Stages Of Life

    AGE       DRINK

    17          beer
    25          vodka
    35          scotch
    48          double scotch
    66          Maalox

    SEDUCTION LINE

    17          My parents are away for the weekend.
    25          My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
    35          My fiancée is away for the weekend.
    48          My wife is away for the weekend.
    66          My second wife is dead.

    FAVORITE SPORT

    17          sex
    25          sex
    35          sex
    48          sex
    66          napping

    DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

    17          "tongue"
    25          "breakfast"
    35          "She didn't set back my therapy."
    48          "I didn't have to meet her kids."
    66          "Got home alive."

    FAVORITE FANTASY

    17          getting to third
    25          airplane sex
    35          menage a trois
    48          taking the company public
    66          Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

    HOUSE PET

    17          roaches
    25          stoned-out college roommate
    35          German Shepherd
    48          children from his first marriage
    66          Barbi

    WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

    17          25
    25          35
    35          48
    48          66
    66          17

The Female Stages Of Life

    AGE         DRINK

    17          Wine Coolers
    25          White wine
    35          Red wine
    48          Dom Perignon
    66          Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

    EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES

    17          Need to wash my hair
    25          Need to wash and condition my hair
    35          Need to colour my hair
    48          Need to have Francois colour my hair
    66          Need to have Francois colour my wig

    FAVORITE SPORT

    17          shopping
    25          shopping
    35          shopping
    48          shopping
    66          shopping

    DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
    17          "Burger King"
    25          "Free meal"
    35          "A diamond"
    48          "A bigger diamond"
    66          "Home Alone"

    FAVORITE FANTASY
    17          tall, dark and handsome
    25          tall, dark and handsome with money
    35          tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
    48          a man with hair
    66          a man

    HOUSE PET
    17          Muffy the cat
    25          Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
    35          German Shepherd and Muffy the Cat
    48          Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
    66          Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muff the Cat

   WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
    17          17
    25          25
    35          35
    48          48
    66          66

   IDEAL DATE
    17          He offers to pay
    25          He pays
    35          He cooks breakfast the next morning
    48          He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
    66          He can chew breakfast