25 Stupid Things to Do at the Airport

Airports are filled with rules, security checkpoints, nervous passengers, expensive snacks, and employees who have already dealt with enough nonsense for one day. That makes them excellent places to behave responsibly—and terrible places to test your latest comedy routine.

Nevertheless, some travelers seem determined to turn every trip into an interrogation, a missed flight, or an appearance on an airport security camera. Here are 25 stupid things to do at the airport if your vacation plans include embarrassment, suspicion, and possibly being escorted somewhere that is not your departure gate.

25. Ask a Stranger to Watch Your Luggage, Whisper “Kaboom,” and Casually Walk Away

Nothing creates an instant friendship like asking a complete stranger to guard your unattended suitcase. Whispering “kaboom” before walking away adds a memorable personal touch and ensures that your new friend immediately shares the luggage with airport security.

24. Try to Pay the Baggage Fee With Loose Change Spread Across the Check-In Counter

Airlines already make passengers feel miserable about baggage fees, so why not make the employee count $45 in nickels, dimes, and pennies? For maximum efficiency, drop several coins on the floor and repeatedly insist that the total was correct before they touched it.

23. Connect a Cable From Your Phone to a Self-Check-In Kiosk and Pretend You Are Hacking the Airport System

Plug your phone into the kiosk, stare intensely at the screen, and whisper phrases such as “I’m almost inside.” Other passengers may think you are an elite computer hacker, although airport security will probably identify you more accurately as an unemployed idiot carrying a charging cable.

22. Ask an Airport Security Guard Whether There Is a Gun Shop Inside the Terminal

This is an excellent question to ask while looking around suspiciously and checking your watch. The security guard may not provide directions, but he will probably introduce you to several coworkers who are extremely interested in your travel plans.

21. Bring a Bag of Bacon and Try to Reward the Drug-Sniffing Dog for Checking Your Luggage

Airport dogs are highly trained professionals, not contestants at a county fair. Attempting to reward one with bacon will not improve your relationship with the dog, its handler, or the security team now wondering why you are so eager to influence the inspection.

20. Bring a Full-Size Bottle of Shampoo Through Security and Demand to Speak With the Manager of Liquids

Explain that the shampoo is expensive, emotionally important, and too intelligent to pose a threat. When the security officer refuses to negotiate, demand to speak with whoever is personally responsible for the international conspiracy against large bottles of conditioner.

19. Ask Security Whether Removing Your Pants Would Make the Screening Process Faster

Security employees appreciate cooperative passengers, but there are limits to helpfulness. Begin unfastening your belt before receiving an answer and you may discover that the screening process becomes slower, more private, and considerably more thorough.

18. Wear Flip-Flops Without Socks Through Security and Make Everyone Participate in the Experience

Removing your shoes at security is already unpleasant. Wearing ancient flip-flops ensures that every passenger nearby becomes familiar with your feet, your personal hygiene decisions, and the reason several people suddenly start breathing through their mouths.

17. Stand at the Security Checkpoint With Your Hand Inside Your Jacket and Announce That You Have a “Surprise”

Airport security personnel famously enjoy surprises, particularly when they involve concealed hands and dramatic announcements. The surprise will quickly become yours when several officers ask you to place both hands where everyone can see them.

16. Spray Yourself With Every Perfume Sample in the Duty-Free Store Before Boarding

Why select one fragrance when you can smell like a department store caught fire? Combine floral perfume, men’s cologne, tropical body spray, and something called Midnight Desire before entering a sealed aircraft filled with people who cannot escape you.

15. Repack Your Entire Suitcase on the Terminal Floor

Open every compartment, remove all your clothing, and begin making difficult decisions about which underwear deserves to visit another country. Airport floors provide the perfect combination of privacy, cleanliness, and hundreds of strangers walking around your personal belongings.

14. Buy a $14 Bottle of Water and Tell Everyone What It Cost

Do not suffer silently. Carry the bottle around the terminal and inform every nearby passenger that it cost fourteen dollars. Take tiny sips while explaining that you now expect the water to improve your health, repair your credit, and provide access to the airport lounge.

13. Run Through the Terminal Shouting, “Wait for Me!” at Every Departing Flight

Sprint past multiple gates while waving your arms at aircraft through the windows. It does not matter whether any of them are yours. The important thing is creating enough confusion that everyone briefly wonders whether they are also about to miss their flight.

12. Ask the Janitor Whether He Cleans Every Airport Window by Himself

Look at the enormous terminal, point toward the hundreds of windows, and ask whether he handles all of them alone. Follow up by asking how many years it takes to finish, whether he starts again immediately, and why he missed that tiny spot forty feet above the floor.

11. Start Lining Up Before the Previous Flight Has Finished Boarding

The moment you see an empty rope near your gate, claim your position. Your flight may not board for another two hours, but standing in line early allows you to block the walkway, confuse other passengers, and demonstrate that you have absolutely nowhere better to be.

10. Ask Everyone in the Boarding Line Whether They Remembered to Update Their Wills

Air travel can make people nervous, so offer a helpful reminder about unfinished legal documents. Move slowly down the line asking passengers who should inherit their homes, cars, pets, and collection of airport neck pillows.

9. Applaud When Your Boarding Group Is Finally Called

Treat the announcement like you just won a major award. Cheer, clap enthusiastically, hug the passenger beside you, and thank the gate agent for believing in you. You waited almost twenty minutes for Group Six, and nobody can take this achievement away from you.

8. Ask the Gate Agent Whether the Plane Has Ever Crashed Before

Be very specific that you are asking about this exact aircraft, not the airline in general. If the gate agent says no, narrow your eyes and ask whether that means the plane is overdue. This will reassure everyone listening nearby.

7. Ask Whether Your Emergency Parachute Counts as a Carry-On or a Personal Item

Place the parachute beside your suitcase and explain that you would prefer to keep it under the seat for quick access. When the gate agent says you will not need it, smile politely and reply, “That is exactly what the last airline told me.”

6. While Boarding, Shake the Pilot’s Hand and Ask, “Have You Been Drinking Today?”

Pilots appreciate passengers who take aviation safety seriously. Inspect the pilot’s eyes, smell the air suspiciously, and ask whether that coffee cup really contains coffee. Everyone behind you will enjoy waiting while you conduct the preflight sobriety examination.

5. Hand Out Bingo Cards and Announce That the Pilot Will Begin Calling Numbers Once Everyone Is Seated

Distribute the cards while passengers board and explain that the winner gets to choose which airport the plane lands at. Encourage everyone to listen carefully to the cockpit announcements, because “B-12” can sound surprisingly similar to important aviation terminology.

4. Ask the Flight Attendant Whether Their Uniform Came From Party City

Say it with genuine curiosity while inspecting the buttons, scarf, and matching hat. You may not receive an answer, but you will learn how long a flight attendant can maintain professional eye contact while silently reconsidering your access to beverages.

3. Bring a Box of Trash Bags Onto the Plane and Announce That You Have Extras for Anyone Who Starts Vomiting

Stand in the aisle and explain that you planned ahead because the flight looks unusually turbulent. Offer each passenger a large trash bag and demonstrate how to hold it securely. Nothing settles nervous travelers like a stranger distributing emergency vomit equipment before takeoff.

2. Turn Down the In-Flight Meal and Say, “No Thanks, I Brought a Dozen Fresh Eggs”

Place the carton carefully on your tray table and ask the flight attendant whether the aircraft has a small frying pan. If cooking is prohibited, explain that you are willing to eat them raw but would appreciate some salt, pepper, and protection from the passenger sitting beside you.

1. After Takeoff, Calmly Inform the Flight Attendant That Your Pet Snake Is Missing

Wait until the seatbelt sign is illuminated and the plane has reached cruising altitude. Then quietly mention that your emotional-support python was underneath your jacket during boarding but appears to have wandered away. Remain calm while every passenger suddenly lifts both feet off the floor.

Airports can already be stressful without passengers pretending to hack kiosks, bribing security dogs with bacon, or introducing the possibility of a loose snake at 35,000 feet. The smartest thing to do is arrive on time, follow the rules, and avoid saying anything that ends with an interview in a small windowless room.