Ways to Say Masturbation
audition the finger puppets
backstroke roulette
bash the candle
be a virtuoso of the skin flute
beat off
beat the bishop
beat the dummy
beat the meat
beat the stick
beat up your date
beef-stroke-it-off
bleed the weed
blow your load
bludgeon the beefsteak
bop the baloney
box the jesuit and get cockroaches
boxin' the bald champ
buff the banana
burp the baby
burp the worm
butter the corn
choke Kojak
choke the chicken
choke the chubby
choke the sheriff and wait for the posse to come
clamp the pipe
clean your rifle
climb Mount Baldy
closet Frisbee
come into your own
cook the cream of cock
corral the tadpoles
couch hockey for one
crack one off
crank the shank
crimp the wire
crown the king
cuff the carrot
diddle
do a hand job
do battle with the Purple Helmeted Warrior of Love
do handiwork
do the janitor thing
drain the monster
engage in safe sex
fist fuck
fist your mister
five knuckle shuffle
flog the dog
flog the dong
flog the hog
flog your mule
fondle the fig
friggit
gallup the antelope
genitalic stimulation via phallengetic motion
get a date with Slick Mittens
get the German soldier marching
get to know yourself
give it a tug
go a couple of rounds with ol' josh
go on a date with Handrea and Palmela
grease the pipe
hack the hog
have a conversation with the one-eyed trouser snake
have a date with Fisty Palmer
have a date with Rosie Palm and her five sisters
have a J. Arthur (British special, after J. Arthur Rank, it's rhyming slang)
have it off
have sex with someone you love
hitchhike to heaven
hitchhike under the big top
hold the sausage hostage
hug the hog
hump your hose
jack hammer
jack off
jazz yourself
jerk off
jerkin' the Gherkin
juggling the coullions
meat with Mother Thumb and her four daughters
knuckle shuffle on the ol' piss pump
launching the rocket skyward
lope the mule
make instant pudding
make the bald man puke
mangle the midget
manipulate the mango
manual override
master bacon
meet Rosie Hancock
milk the cow
milk the lizard
mount a corporal and four
nerk your throbber
null the void
oil the glove
onan's olympics
pack your palm
paddle the pickle
paint the ceiling
paint the pickle
peel the banana
peel some chilies
perform diagnostics on your ManTool
play a little five-on-one
play in a one-man show
play five against one
play pocket pinball
play pocket pool
play tug-of-war with the cyclops
play Uno
please your pisser
plunk your twanger
polish Percy in your palm
polish the family jewels
polish the rocket
polish the sword
pound off
pound the bald-headed moose
pound the pud
pound your flounder
pull off
pull rank
pull the carrot
pull the cord
pull the five-knuckle shuffle
pull the goalie
pull the pole
pull the pope
pull your prick
pull your taffy
pump the python
punchin' the munchkin
ram the ham
ride the great white knuckler
roll your own
rope the pony
rope the pope
rub off
rub one out
run off a batch by hand
sacrifice sperm to the god of lonely nights
scour the tower of power
self abuse
self-induced penile regurgitation
shake hands with the unemployed
shake hands with your John Thomas
shake hands with your wife's best friend
shemp the hog
shift gears
shine the helmet
shine your pole
shoot putty at the moon
shoot skeet (pull... shoot)
shoot the moon
slakin' the bacon
slam the ham
slam the spam
slammin' the salmon
slap high fives with Yul Brynner
slap the carrot, slap the clown
slap the donkey
slap the pud
slap the salami
slappin' pappy
sling the jelly
snap the monkey
snap the rubber
snap the whip
solo sex
spank the frank
spank the monkey
spank the salami
squeeze the cheese
squeeze the juice
stinky pinky
stir the yogurt
stoke it
stroke it
stroke off
stroke the one-eyed burping gecko
stroke the dog
stroke the satin-headed serpent
stroke your poker
take matters into your own hands
take the monster for a one-armed ride
take part in population control
tease the weenie
tenderize the tube steak
test the testicles
test your batteries
the art of Unisex
tickly my fancy
tickle the pickle
toss off
toss the turkey
twang the wire
thump the pump
tweak your twinkie
varnish the flagpole
wack the one-eyed worm
wack the weasel
wack the willie
walk the dog
walk the plank
wank
wax the carrot
wax the dolphin
wax your surfboard
whack off
whip off
whip the dummy
whip the wire
whip up some sour cream
whip your dripper
whizzin' jism
wixen
wonk your conker
work off
wrestle the eel
wring out your rope
wrist aerobics
yank off
yank the crank
yank your plank
yank the yoyo