10) Gets winded putting on his socks

09) Hard slide into second triggers life-alert pendant

08) While playing outfield, yells at teamates to get the hell off his lawn

07) When buying performance-enhancing drugs, gets the AARP discount

06) Claims he killed President McKinley with a line drive

05) Often begins sentences, "As Shoeless Joe Jackson once told me..."

04) He's almost as old as the hot dogs -- seriously, have you ever eaten one of those things?

03) Lost part of his career fighting in World War I

02) During interviews, he thanks the Lord and the makers of super Poligrip

01) When he's in the on-deck circle, asks bat boy, "What did I come in here for?"