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If I Was a Starship Captain

Whenever anybody said "Aye, Captain" I�d say "No, I captain!" Then I�d force everybody to laugh.

I�d let my crew wear their pajamas on the bridge, if they wanted to, because, hey, we�re casual around here.

What we need on this spaceship is our own army knife. I mean, if the Swiss can come up with that cool army knife, imagine what us space people can do! Note: Make sure it has a corkscrew.

On Wednesday nights, we�d watch movies on the bridge using that big viewscreen. Only, cover up those blinking lights underneath it with a towel or something.

Let�s take a long hard look at the shuttlecraft. Do we need that? I�m not saying we don�t, but let�s look at it. Maybe it would be better to lease one.

I�d take a week off every year and go to trade shows so that I�d always be up on the latest "hi-tech" spaceship gadgets.

No, I don�t know why the bridge control panels don�t come with cup holders. If you can figure out how to put them in there without messing up all the lights and dials and things, be my guest. But I bet you�re going to break something.

I�d let the fatter people wear sweaters over their skintight uniforms, so they�d feel more attractive.

I don�t know why in this futuristic era we actually have to physically paint designation numbers on the sides of our spaceships, but if we must do it at least give me a fun custom designation number like 1HO-TSHP.

When the spaceship was getting old I might kind of "accidentally" crash it into a planet so they�d give me a new one.

If the engineer told me it was going to take an hour and a half to fix something, okay, good enough. I�m not going to make his job harder by telling him we�ll all be dead by then.

I�d get drunk, find a snow-covered planet, and write my name in it using the phaser banks.

If you�re the helmsmen, and we�re getting sucked into a supernovae, and aliens have shot some kind of beam at us and now the controls aren�t responding, and the shields aren�t going to hold much longer, and you feel you would be more comfortable if you could bring your own cushion or maybe a pillow to put on your helmsmen chair, fine, that�s okay with me.

On people�s birthdays, I�d rig the beaming thing so crewmembers showed up down on the planet without any pants on. Ha ha, looks like I got you this year!

If my spaceship happens to be flying by a planet with rings, and I kind of blow up the rings with my lasers, that�s not the same as blowing up the whole planet. You can�t put me in jail for that!

Once a month, "skit night." I already have a bag of hats.

I�d like the crew to pick two (2) motivational posters to put on either side of the bridge viewscreen. I�d prefer they pick something more in the inspirational "longest journey begins with a single step" vein rather than a saucy "you want it when?" type of thing, but if that�s what they decide, fine, pass the hat and put in an order for it.

If you�re going to use your communicator to make personal calls type in your calling card number first, or -- I�m serious -- we�re going to take them away.

I don�t know what exactly a "sex planet" is, but I figure we�ll know it when we find it.

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