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Hamlet - Modern English

Act I : Scene I

The Battlements of Elsinore Castle.
Enter Hamlet, followed by Ghost.
Ghost : Oi! Mush!
Hamlet : Yer?
Ghost : I was fucked!
(Exit Ghost.)
Hamlet : O Fuck.
(Exit Hamlet.)

Act I : Scene II

The Throneroom.
Enter King Claudius, Gertrude, Hamlet and Court.
Claudius : Oi! You, Hamlet, give over!
Hamlet : Fuck off, won't you?
(Exit Claudius, Gertrude, Court.)
Hamlet : (Alone) They could have fucking waited.
(Enter Horatio.)
Horatio : Oi! Watcha cock!
Hamlet : Weeeeey!
(Exeunt.)

Act I : Scene III

Ophelia's Bedroom.
Enter Ophelia and Laertes.
Laertes : I'm fucking off now. Watch Hamlet doesn't slip you one while I'm gone.
Ophelia : I'll be fucked if he does.
(Exeunt.)

Act I: Scene IV

The Battlements.
Enter Claudius, Hamlet and Ghost.
Ghost : Oi! Mush, get on with it!
Hamlet: Who did it then?
Ghost : That wanker Claudius. He poured fucking poison in my fucking ear!
Hamlet: Fuck me!
(Exeunt.)

Act II: Scene I

A corridor in the castle.
Enter Hamlet reading. Enter Polonius.
Polonius : Oi! You!
Hamlet : Fuck off, grandad!
(Exit Polonius. Enter Rosencranz and Guildenstern.)
Ros & Guild : Oi! Oi! Mucca!
Hamlet: Fuck off, the pair of you!
(Exit Ros & Guild.)
Hamlet: (Alone) To fuck or be fucked.
(Enter Ophelia.)
Ophelia : My Lord!
Hamlet: Fuck off to a nunnery!
(The exit in different directions.)

Act III: Scene I

The Throne Room.
Enter Players and all Court.
1st Player: Full thirty times hath Phoebus cart...
Claudius: I'll be fucked if I watch any more of this crap.
(Exeunt.)

Act III: Scene II

Gertrude's Bedchamber.
Enter Hamlet, to Gertrude.
Hamlet : Oi! Slag!
Gertrude: Watch your fucking mouth, kid!
Polonius : (From behind the curtain) Too right.
Hamlet : Who the fuck was that?
(He stabs Polonius through the arras.)
Polonius : Fuck!
Hamlet : Fuck! I thought it was that other wanker.
(Exeunt.)

Act IV: Scene I

A Court Room.
Claudius: Fuck off to England then!
Hamlet : Delighted, mush.

Act IV: Scene II

The Throne Room.
Ophelia, Gertrude and Claudius.
Ophelia : Here, cop a whack of this.
(She hands Gertrude some rosemary and exits.)
Claudius : She's fucking round the twist, isn't she?
Gertrude : (Looking out the window) There is a willow grows aslant the brook.
Claudius : Get on with it, slag.
Gertrude : Ophelia's gone and fucking drowned! Claudius : Fuck! Laertes isn't half going to be browned off.
(Exeunt.)

Act IV: Scene III

A Corridor.
Laertes : (Alone) I'm going to fucking do this lot.
(Enter Claudius.)
Claudius : I didn't fucking do it, mate. It was that wanker Hamlet.
Laertes : Well, fuck him.

Act V: Scene I

Hamlet's Bedchamber.
Hamlet and Horatio seated.
Hamlet : I got this feeling I'm going to cop it, Horatio, and you know, I couldn't give a flying fuck.
(Exeunt.)

Act V: Scene II

Large Hall.
Enter Hamlet, Laertes, Court, Gertrude, Claudius.
Laertes : Oi, wanker: let's get on with it.
Hamlet : Delighted, fuckface.
(They fight and both are poisoned by the poisoned sword.)
Laertes : Fuck!
Hamlet : Fuck!
(The Queen drinks.)
Gertrude : Fucking odd wine!
Claudius : You drunk the wrong fucking cup, you stupid cow!
Hamlet : (Pouring the poison down Claudius's throat) Well, fuck you!
Claudius : I'm fair and squarely fucked.
(Claudius dies.)
Laertes : Oi, mush: no hard feelings, eh?
Hamlet : Yer.
(Laertes dies.)
Hamlet : Oi! Horatio!
Horatio : Yer?
Hamlet : I'm fucked. The rest is fucking silence.
(Hamlet dies.)
Horatio : Fuck! that was no ordinary wanker, you know.
(Enter Fortinbras.)
Fortinbras : What the fuck's going on here?
Horatio : A fucking mess, that's for sure.
Fortinbras : No kidding. I see Hamlet's fucked.
Horatio : Yer.
Fortinbras : Fucking shame: fucking good bloke.
Horatio : Too fucking right.
Fortinbras : Fuck this for a lark then. Let's piss off.
(Exeunt with alarums.)

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